This Fear blog was written by Surprise Gift Co/Shannon
My Instagram post this morning was about fear and I mentioned being a fearful person in a blog or two before. So I thought I would write about it today. First of all, what makes a person fearful? There are so many opinions on this, that there is no way I could list them all. But, I will throw out some ideas of what made me into a fearful person but first, let me start with the center of all my little branches of fear of soooo many things. I am fearful that I am not enough. Amen right? I'm sure that's at the top of most people's list. A psychologist would tell you it probably began for me when my father committed suicide when I was five years old. In a child's mind he didn't love me enough to get better, turn his life around and be a part of my world. And while that may be a small piece of it, I think it was more of what I brought upon myself than what was heaped upon me. Let me explain: see the devil is a clever and calculating being, and he knew society would feed me the idea of "daddy issues" and what more does a teenage girl need than an excuse to live like the world and dishonor her own body. The desire to find love, feel loved and be enough for a guy is such a circle of defeat, but almost every woman has been there one time in her life. Unfortunately for me that started at 15 years old. So that's fear #1- Am I enough for a man? Fear #2- Am I pretty enough? OK, OK, I know that this one is so shallow but I'll be the first to admit I want to be pretty. I don't want to look old or out of style! Please don't send me hate mail for this, I'm just trying to be real and vulnerable. I have always been told how pretty I am, but in the mirror I see it differently. Imperfections blind me to what I hear other people say. I always think pretty compared to what? Fear #3- I'm going to open my mouth and sound stupid. I have always been a quiet person, shy I guess. But what it really is is that I don't know what to say to people. I overthink conversations in my head so much that I bumble my words and can't even remember what I planned to say in the first place! So.... I just don't say anything! You know that old saying: better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Yep that's pretty much my mantra! Fear #4- Confrontation. This is a big one for lots of people. I struggle with this because, well let's face it, I already think I'm going to sound ridiculous when I open my mouth to respond to a complaint. But really I just want everyone to always be happy with me, is that too much to ask?! That may sound like a whole secondary problem of being a people pleaser, which I wouldn't really consider myself because if I don't want to do something, I probably won't do it! What it really is though is that I would never intentionally do something to offend or inconvenience someone/anyone. And the fact that they don't already know that about me bothers me. It's another one of those sneaky fibs my mind tells me: if you were really as sweet as YOU think you are, no one would ever doubt your motives. Or, if your life were more transparent people would automatically see Jesus in you and always know your good intentions. Oh my goodness it's a never ending circle of fear, worry and doubt. I have many other irrational small fears that aren't even worth mentioning, and new ones that crop up when I'm least expecting it. But guess what?? My God tells me "if He is for me, who can be against me?" Romans 8:31, and "He has rescued me from my enemies so I can serve Him without fear" Luke 1:74. However, God doesn't take away all of my fears just because I have given my heart to Him. Daily time spent reading His word and just talking to Him about it, is what it takes. A good group of Christian women to share with is also very important. I know I would be a mess without them! And of course a husband that loves me no matter how worked up over nothing I get!! If I let it, my fear of pretty much everything would consume me, and occasionally, when it involves my children, it does. But God has grown me enough over the 18 years I have spent with Him, to recognize when I'm at that place and need extra strength to face the next day with joy. His joy. And that's when He will send someone into my life with a word of encouragement for me, or a song on my Pandora that reminds me of how many ways He has blessed me. I'm so glad I serve a God who truly cares about all of my crazy emotions!